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Unto the Descendants of Logos

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I wrote this challenge in October 2019. It was an open challenge to the squires of my shared lineage in the SCA to step forward and excel.

“Unto the Squires and dependents who serve the Descendants of Logos, He who is Fons Honorum of a Great and Noble Lineage, do I, Robert Downey, Knight and Vassal to the Dragon throne send greetings.

I have been overlong in the attendance of the affairs of my estate, and have grown fat and weak with the pleasures of the table and of soft flesh. 

Though my hand still knows the lover’s embrace of good steel, I can feel the weakness in me, and I am angry.

The Fryers mewl incessantly that for every thing there is a season. What do they know of Nobility? Nothing but the defilement of noble daughters in the Cloysters, is what I say. 

The tilling of fields, and the prattlings of clerks and money changers have lulled me into a stupor. I have been distracted by Peasants and Merchants… feeding upon comfort and greed… for that is their magic.. These creatures wield cunning engines of gold and ledgers of lies that promise wealth. I have not paid attention, and have allowed my lust for Knightly adventure to be shackled.  But I will not yet allow my standard to be furled for the final time. 

I awake, as if from some drug addled torpor. I have sinned against Chivalry by allowing my harness to tarnish, my manhood to grow limp and flaccid, like some Flemish cloth merchant with soft hands and throw pillows.

I admit that I have drank deeply in the past from the cup of worshipful honor, seeking renown and Knightly adventure. But past renown is like a fine pair of Brais.

Certainly they are wonderful to wear, for a time, but if not renewed they begin to stink and chafe.

And so I challenge you, you men of coat armor who serve the scions of Logos. I have worn the legacy chain of our ancestor for too long. 

Awake from your slumber, as I am, and seek out worshipful honor. Earn your spurs with your deeds, not your words. Put aside your vapid politics, your complaints and excuses, your finely crafted whining about how things “should be” and give me the pleasure to pass this relic on. 

For once more, I ride in search of stricken fields, and I would not have this Hoary and Honorable chain of Fealty rot with my worthless corpse should I gamble once too often with my Body.

Tell me, Mia Familia, What will you do to win worshipful honor when the snow thaws, and the Destriers strengthen upon new grass for the summer campaigns? 

What Chivalric enterprise will you put forth and have heralds cry before the Culture of Chivalry?

Strive above your station! Throw yourself to the hazard and win Renown, or Die trying…

I grow weary of wearing this Chain, and wish to pass it on. Don’t make me die with it around my neck….. 

I have many other relics to pass on, but you are not worthy of them yet. If I have to bury them in a cold tomb rather than pass them on, I will haunt you and your sons to seven generations…. This I swear. “

Heraldic Introduction for Ambrose St. John

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I wrote this in late 2019 to act as herald for my Brother Brad/Ambrose.

“Great sovereigns

I bring before you Isabella Margaret, peerless lady and Ambrose St. John, constrained by the chains of chivalry.

 stripped of shining harness, clothed only in knightly truth.

exercised of reverence and generosity in  high halls and base hovels.

shield of the weak in all the realms of God’s earth. 

Ever at the vanguard, always possessed of Knightly joy, obedient ever to the sacred laws of Chivalry.

You would expect nothing less of your Heirs, and your People should expect nothing less from their Sovereigns.

Noble combatants, today, God has brought before you a test. For that is what this man has been bred and trained to do. 

Will you be Noble? Will you be courteous? Will you be worthy of the love of our Great King’s people? 

If you face this man today, the truth of the matter will be layed bare.

This man’s Knightly defiance willl lay bare the truth of you for all to see. Look you well to your honor, and serve your consorts Nobly, for my brother will test it this day. 

Such a thing is right and such a thing is good.”

I used to have a blog that had around 12,000 subscribers.

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I suppose this was an accomplishment. I have been told from some folks that it was a really useful and meaningful resource to them.

It started innocently enough. I just wanted to communicate with my friends. But it grew to something larger over time, at least for me. It turned into an ongoing public journal of a young man striving for proficiency in the art-form of swordplay, and the harder discipline of creating some form of meaning out of a chaotic, and sometimes very painful life. 

I tried very hard to keep the pain out of my writings. Sometimes I was successful… mostly I communicated my own journey regarding my martial practice, and the changes and challenges that wrought  in me. Certainly there were some profound changes, I learned who I was, how much pain I was capable of handling and moving forward in a metaphorical sense, and that gave me the courage or at least the stubbornness to move through the real pain in my life that wasn’t written about. 

After my heart was broken with the corruption and disillusionment associated with the ACL, I was unable to continue writing and sharing. 

That, coupled with the fact that aspects of my personal struggles had bled into my SCA life created an atmosphere inside my heart that I didn’t want to share anymore because sharing meant exposing very painful and personal struggles and heartaches. 

Then, my Brothers Brad and Mark facilitated the opportunity to work on the oil pipeline. It was a fantastic, super difficult, lucrative, and rewarding experience that isolated me from my personal struggles. It was something to latch onto.

Then Monica opened the door for my current employment opportunity. This unique place created a way for me to almost literally disappear into an existence where I could isolate myself almost completely. It felt good.. 

But the painful things that I had and have to deal with simply waited. In the dark at the end of the day, they came back and ate at me.

I stopped caring for myself some ways. But I also found immense joy and fulfillment in the people I work with, and the ones I have come to love that were not a part of past personal nightmares. 

These things are easy to focus on to the exclusion of dealing with past wounds. 

I feel like the past two years has been exactly that… yes, my Brothers helped me stay alive by caring for me when I didn’t answer them, for continuing to want my companionship even when it was frustrating, and profound love did effuse my life.

But these problems remain, and they continue to isolate me from those things that I love in an unconscious way.

As in Battle, the only way to win through is to be painfully  honest with one’s self regarding past mistakes, current landscapes, and what tools you actually have rather than what you think you have, or what you used to have.

I suppose that is what this is for me. No, I’m not going to share a litany or pity party crap from the past, but I cannot move forward without acknowledging them, and I cannot re-e communities that mean so much to me without the probability of old ghosts and embarrassments poking their ugly head out of the swamp,

But that’s what a Knight does. I have trained the majority of my life to be one of those people, and that is the battlefield upon which I find myself. 

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense from an external perspective, but perhaps it doesn’t have to. Opening a dialog requires communication and honesty, and perhaps this is what I am trying to convey. I need to be honest with the world to be able to say the things I need to say; to be able to make the impact that I am supposed to make. Life is so very precious, and I have learned so many things; been given so many opportunities and been invested in by so many amazing people that it is cowardly to not share the voice I have been given because I am afraid of having to deal with past pain. 

Living an artful life is, ultimately,  all about vulnerability and honesty. We are put on this plane of existance to add our thread to the eternal tapestry of the universe, and if we are so afraid of the color our our thread that we stop weaving it with others, we are unworthy of the opportunity. 

I want to honor those who love and invest in me, and so to do that I have to be vulnerable and honest.

I am sorry that I have been missing. I think I have been mourning things that I cannot verbalize and I have not shared. That’s ok. It’s ok to mourn. But I’m not dead yet, and I have things to say. 

So it is time for another kind of courage. It is time to open my heart and splatter my paint on the canvas again regardless of what the critics say, or if I spill paint on the walls while I’m doing it. 

If I don’t, the inevitable outcome is that the Divine will cut off my thread, and I will fade in the memories of those who mean the most to me. 

I can’t go quietly into the dark because I’m afraid.